The other mother
Because Mom isn’t always the one who brought us out into the world
Mama literally means breast. While on those bosoms our body and soul are nourished, being a mother does not only refer to a biological mom alone, or she who can provide milk for her young. There are different types of moms, who, too, need salutation this Mother’s Day.
MEET THE MUDRABELLS
Mark Sablan plays a dual role to his four-year-old daughter, Sadako. He can be her father, and he can play her mama, too. “My daughter Sadako is close to her mom as well, but I think there are aspects when I am more of a mom to her than her real mom,” says Mark, an unfazed member of the third sex.
They like playing Barbie dress-up, which includes makeovers, games, and fashion shows, with the mall as their runway. And oh, they love watching beauty pageants. “Especially the swimsuit portion,” he says, laughing. “We pretend we’re finalists although she’s the only one who changes into her swimsuit.”“I introduce her to divas and girl groups and we enjoy singing and dancing to their songs, as in complete with Beyonce choreography,” says Mark, who’s into fashion and styling/
But being a beki mom has its downsides, although they are workable, even more than a regular mother experiences. Macy Santos, not his real name, says, “While we bekis did not give birth to our children, we love our kids just the same, or even more. In our case, we face different difficulties, perhaps even graver than a mother’s.” His adopted daughter is turning five years old.
In a highly conservative society, where males are expected to be tough and to be the haligi ng tahanan (foundations of a home), beki moms are condemned and judged just because they have opted to play the mother role. But the hardest part of their unusual parent-kid relationship, the stage when kids can voice out their questions, Macy and Mark both agree, is the most difficult. Questions like “How will I explain the situation when she grows up? Will she understand? Will she accept me?” hunt them almost every day.
“I think it’s not that complicated yet since my daughter is still very young, but I know it will be challenging when she’s a little older.” Mark admits. “I am trying to raise her, however, as an open-minded individual so she can be ready, and just so she knows how to accept and appreciate everyone.”
More than the issue of acceptance, the challenge of beki moms is proving their worth as a parent.
“I’ve always thought I could be a good parent,” Mark says, “My parents gave me a great childhood and raised me the best way they could, so I’ve always wanted to have my own kids and be a great parent to them the way my parents have been to me.”
Macy, on the other hand, adopted his child for companionship. “I want somebody to grow old with, so we can take care of each other,” he admits. But more than being just a “selfish” act, he says he also wanted a child he could love and care for.
Before you raise your eyebrows and question their capacity to nurture a child, remember that gay couples, too, have innate maternal instinct. Remember the late Jun Encarnacion? The hairdresser raised a good brood, including Tristan, who is one of today’s most respected chefs.
Gay couple adoptions have tripled in number in the last 10 years, according to Kelli Kennedy, who writes about the phenomenon in The Huffington Post. Gay parents like Filipino entrepreneur Joel Cruz, and Hollywood celebrities Neil Patrick Harris and Ricky Martin all have cute twins and have publicly vowed to love and nurture their kids, just like all other similarly devoted beki moms.
LOLA MAMITA, MOMMY LOU
Having Lola as a mom also has its hitches. Meet Lally Contreras. Her mother is not an overseas worker. Her mama, in fact, is a homemaker. But Lally says that growing up, she has always listened to and treated her Lola as a mom. “I don’t know why but I grew closer to my lola mamita than to my mother,” says Lally. On her 18th birthday, Lally’s lola mamita and her dad danced with her in the traditional 18 dances, her mom did not. Though the situation may seem awkward and weird from the outside looking in, Lally’s comfortable with the situation and treats it like it’s the most common kind of relationship.
Such was the relationship between Ieth Inolino, 29, and her lola Lydia Tatoy, whom she fondly called Mommy Lou. “She was my everything,” Ieth says. “She was my superwoman, my father, my mother, rolled into one. I could not have asked for more.” Ieth grew up under her Mommy Lou’s supervision when she was only two months old, after her parents from Negros Oriental left her with her maternal grandmother for safekeeping. “I was sick that time when they gave me to my lola. They said I would be better off staying in Binondo.” It took a long time before her parents came back for her. “I was about to go to high school, and I passed Manila Science High School,” she says, opting to stay in Manila. Ieth’s Mommy Lou and Mama Lyrie, an aunt she considered her second mother (after Mommy Lou), more than made up for the absence of Ieth’s parents. Like Lally, Ieth loves her biological mother, but she considers the woman who raised her her real mom. “I could not imagine myself living another life,” she says. “When you have one person who is consistent in your life, you feel anchored and assured.”
It all boils down to the true essence of parenting, of being a mother. Anyone, after all, can give birth, but not everyone can be a mother.
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